Sleepless Thoughts

There are nights that I come home and just fall asleep and there are nights that I just can't shut an eye.  Sometimes its because of work, other times its because of thoughts running through my head. Tonight, I know its because of "what if's".  We all have baggage, it's life's way of making sure we are not too comfortable in where we are in its plan.  It's hard at times to believe that we are thrown curve balls to ensure that we are ready for a battle.  We certainly don't ask for it, nor do we pretend to accept what we are given.  We have no choice but to take on what has been destined.

I know that I am tough and that life has given me plenty of things to be thankful for and happy about so I know with that strength I can move mountains even though at times I feel like I can barely climb a hill.  I can't help however to think about the "what if's" that might come with Alzheimer's in my life.  Will I wake up one day and my father not remember me?  Will I ask where he is and he cannot tell me knowing I am States away?  Can he remember my number if he falls, hurts himself and can't figure out who to call?  You can imagine the worry and weight one must feel when these thoughts are all that float by in moments of silence.  I always wondered why I was never a morning person, but I truly believe I was meant to steal the night in order to process life's questions.  Sometimes, it's the quiet stillness of the dark that allows me to process its very nature.

There is no cure to figure out what's in store for tomorrow or the next, but I would like to think I have figured it out at least temporarily.  There is plan A, plan B, plan C and in case those don't work, I have maps to draw additional exit plans.  There are guards and machines, artillery and smoke, alarms and armor, everything I might need in my back pocket.  In my mind I have diverted every possible scenario, though I don't know when or where they may take place.  I am ready to face the fight.

I have great siblings (the best) and a wonderful family so the night doesn't keep me up too late, but it's deceptive disease does penetrate through my thoughts and so it's the peace of mind that I have calculated each "what if" scenario that I can casually drift asleep at some point through the night.  Dreaming of better days for my father and the prolonged "what if" scenarios in the hope that they are not needed for one more day.