Calling on a Memory

One of my most happiest moments during the day is talking to my father on the phone.  I look forward to hearing how his day has been and what he has been up to during his retired life.  It's also secretly a way for me to check in on him being miles and miles away.  My dad continues to still make me laugh and his sense of humor has always been witty but cynical.  When I was a child, he would find ways to make me smile.  Whether it was dancing with me to the Beatles in the living room or surprising me with a puppy on Christmas day, dad knew how to make his little girl happy.

When I talked to him this morning, coffee in hand, he had me laughing so hard I was tearing.  To hear him tell me how hard the past two weeks have been during his retired life makes me realize how long he has been out of the workforce.  His newly installed tv stopped working in one day, his car that he has brought to the mechanic over a dozen times still continues to have the same problem, it actually snowed in Tucson, and he has gained 8 pounds even though his appetite is down to one meal a day!  You would have thought his whole life came crashing down.  He was so exhausted to relive the stories I couldn't help but laugh.  I briefly mentioned the postcard I had sent to see if he received it, but he had not.  I was curious to see what he thought of Shane's stained sweatshirt!  I left that conversation feeling good, happy, confidant that he could retell his stories of the past few weeks so clearly, so vividly, I was happier when I got off the phone then when I called and heard his voice in the first place.

I called him back tonight to see if he received the postcard I sent him knowing the mail had at this point been delivered for the day.  Unfortunately, he didn't remember talking to me about postcards or recall a few other topics we discussed.  My heart sunk and my previous thoughts that my father today had made progress, quickly disappeared.  This shouldn't be a surprise but yet it continues to surprise me.  This is the norm as I continue to age and as my father's memories, whether long or short term, fade. I can pretend that this doesn't exist, but moments like these remind me what is reality.  I escape by writing and by wishing time stands still, but its silly thoughts like these that allow me to hide from my own self-doubt.  In these moments, I think back and remember the positives of these conversations.  I fall asleep smiling for the things he does remember and the laughs he continues to get out of me.  This is what makes me keep smiling, sleep soundly and constantly look forward to the next call to hear his voice and his troubles as a retired man in sunny Arizona.

A Convo Through Mail

Dad - Thought you would enjoy this picture of Shane and me.  This is when I went to visit him in the Poconos this past September.  We had so much fun building bonfires, drinking, cooking, hiking, swimming and just hanging out.  Weather was perfect and the cabin was great.  Shane had a hard time keeping the wine in his mouth ;)  I am sure, as your son, this doesn't surprise you!

Love you,

Des xxoo

A Convo Through Mail

Dad - This is a picture from the wedding I was just at in the Dominican Republic.  I had a wonderful time and you cannot believe the different traditions they have out there.  Their weddings go till 6 am, can you believe that!  The local wedding was beautiful and it reminded me of vacations you use to take us on as kids.  I miss you and can't wait to visit you soon!  I think about you everyday.

Love you,

XXOO

Des

ps, a huge shout out to Moo.com for making these beautiful postcards and being very customer friendly and priced well.  They do postcards to business cards and much more, check them out!

Sleepless Thoughts

There are nights that I come home and just fall asleep and there are nights that I just can't shut an eye.  Sometimes its because of work, other times its because of thoughts running through my head. Tonight, I know its because of "what if's".  We all have baggage, it's life's way of making sure we are not too comfortable in where we are in its plan.  It's hard at times to believe that we are thrown curve balls to ensure that we are ready for a battle.  We certainly don't ask for it, nor do we pretend to accept what we are given.  We have no choice but to take on what has been destined.

I know that I am tough and that life has given me plenty of things to be thankful for and happy about so I know with that strength I can move mountains even though at times I feel like I can barely climb a hill.  I can't help however to think about the "what if's" that might come with Alzheimer's in my life.  Will I wake up one day and my father not remember me?  Will I ask where he is and he cannot tell me knowing I am States away?  Can he remember my number if he falls, hurts himself and can't figure out who to call?  You can imagine the worry and weight one must feel when these thoughts are all that float by in moments of silence.  I always wondered why I was never a morning person, but I truly believe I was meant to steal the night in order to process life's questions.  Sometimes, it's the quiet stillness of the dark that allows me to process its very nature.

There is no cure to figure out what's in store for tomorrow or the next, but I would like to think I have figured it out at least temporarily.  There is plan A, plan B, plan C and in case those don't work, I have maps to draw additional exit plans.  There are guards and machines, artillery and smoke, alarms and armor, everything I might need in my back pocket.  In my mind I have diverted every possible scenario, though I don't know when or where they may take place.  I am ready to face the fight.

I have great siblings (the best) and a wonderful family so the night doesn't keep me up too late, but it's deceptive disease does penetrate through my thoughts and so it's the peace of mind that I have calculated each "what if" scenario that I can casually drift asleep at some point through the night.  Dreaming of better days for my father and the prolonged "what if" scenarios in the hope that they are not needed for one more day.

There Is No Better Time Than The Present

Life can move so fast.  Work gets busy, deadlines go by, relationships come and go, the seasons change in a blink of an eye and before you know it the year has come and gone.  I remember when I was little, my mother would always say "the older you get the faster life goes by".  I had no idea what she meant by that, but as I continue to age into my 30's I realize mom was right.  Not only does time fly by, but when you do get that chance to stop, think and reflect, you realize you ignored some of the most important people in your life. Yes we call them, we show up for important events, we send birthday cards, text each other when we think of something funny or important, but are we really "connecting".  We are all creatures of habit when it comes to this, but it begs us to ask, are we really living in the "now"?

When a disease like Alzheimer's becomes a part of your family, thats all you have to rely on.  Tomorrow is unpredictable and the past is a forgotten memory, the present is your only trusted mark on the timeline.  When I saw my father a few weeks ago, I was reminded of this very thought.  Even though we talk on the phone, I often forget how this disease slowly works through the mind deceivingly well until its visibly in front of me to acknowledge.  On the phone, my father seems present, alert, even witty and tells a story of what happened earlier in the day.  In person, he seems lost, unaware, disorganized, ill-tempered and aloof.  It's during these visible moments that I am reminded that this disease has taken residence in my fathers mind.  Tangling and disorganizing simple thoughts, engraining itself in my childhood memories, casting shadows on the intellect, shuffling unwanted noise where it doesn't belong.  I fight internally to not show my anger and frustration when my father is around but if I had it my way, that deceptive disease would have no choice but to deal with me.  This is where it gets tough....I have no fighting chance.

All I have is the present, to embrace every moment I have with him.  I can no longer be in denial that my father may escape this. It's knocking, unwelcomed and certainly not unnoticed.  Some moments I cry, other times I thank god that I still have my dad but I know whats to come.  It might not be tomorrow or a year from now or five, but I know the end to this story. 

Life can be erratic, crazy, even thoughtless at times. In this high tech world, we get caught up in quick connections that parallel with our crazy schedule.  If we all took the time to be in the present, to really stop and connect with someone we love each day, not through a text message or a quick IM or email, but truly "connect" on a personal and spiritual level, trust me, the value you will be bringing into your own life will be far greater than the tasks you accomplished that day.  Tomorrow is not a guarantee and the past is a distant memory, the present is really all we have to enjoy and embrace.

A Convo Through Mail

Dad - Love pictures of signs like this.  Thought you would appreciate this subway sign in London.  I really want to spend more time there.  I recently ordered some tour books to see where my next trip will be.  Asia come to mind or South Africa!  Always wanted to visit Thailand.  This week I am off to the Poconos with Shane.  Excited! We will call you.

Love you,

Des xxoo

A Convo Through Mail

Dad - This was a picture from the last time you and Shane were in Chicago.  Had a lot of fun this night by hanging by the fire and telling stories.  Shane and I will get together to plan another trip soon.  I know we are both missing you.  I will see Shane in two weeks and make sure I take pictures to send to you.  Oh forgot to mention, I saw Tony Bennet the other night.  He can still carry a loud tune, impressive!

Love you,

Des xxoo