Alzheimer's Knocked, I Answered

Do not ask me to remember,  Don’t try to make me understand, Let me rest and know you’re with me, Kiss my cheek and hold my hand. I’m confused beyond your concept, I am sad and sick and lost. All I know is that I need you, To be with me at all cost. Do not lose your patience with me, Do not scold or curse or cry. I can’t help the way I’m acting, Can’t be different though I try. Just remember that I need you, That the best of me is gone, Please don’t fail to stand beside me, Love me ’til my life is done.

-Author Unknown

 
I've delayed this post as long as I can because writing it makes it real and selfishly I don't want to go through the emotions of the reality I face.  My father is fighting Alzheimer's.  This is my reality.  I've written it, its now on paper.  We are no longer practicing.  We are no longer gearing up for whats to come.  We are in the middle of this upward battle.

Three weeks ago I saw my father and he was not the person I know. To watch your own dad deteriorate right in front of your eyes is something that is indescribable.  Some people say its better to have him healthy and alive yet they have never dealt with an Alzheimer's patient.  There are moments that I have of us as kids, laughing, giggling, snuggling and those are such great memories to hold onto.  The smile my father had growing up was priceless and stories he has from his casino days cannot be told in movies.  He's a man I adore and a man who has always been there for me.

So this is my pledge to my father in 2014:

• I will find you the best home care so you don't have to worry about living alone
• I will make sure you have the best medical care I can find
• I will join an Alzheimer's support group so that I know how I can help you
• I will make work second and family first
• Shane and I will work together as a team to fight this
• You will never have to worry about being alone, ever

Friends and family, I am scared.  I am overwhelmed with what I must face and what 2014 will mean to me, my father and my brother.  I know that I need to be strong and I know that I am not alone.  The overwhelming support of friends thus far has been unbelievable.

This is what I ask of you:

• If I do not seem present, please don't take offense, its not you
• If I decline invitations, it's not out of love but the need to have time alone or to care for my father
• I am not good about asking for help, I need to be pushed
• There will be good days and bad, please love me through them all
• Your expertise is definitely needed, I have no idea how to plan for a parent alone
• Some days I will need your help to just be distracted, please push
• Sometimes a hug or call may be all I need

This is my next phase of life.  I've been patient, calm and open-minded. I will never stop holding his hand or pushing him to remember.  This is my goal.  All I know is the person he molded me to be and the love he gives me everyday.  It's now my time to help him through the moments that I know will be tough for the both of us.  I won't stop, I won't give up, I won't let go.