I talk to dad tonight and I smile. He makes my winters feel warm and my life feel like I have a purpose to change something that feels out of my reach. He brings joy to my life when I hear his voice and he can recount the day. His face lights up my life when I talk about "our story" in passing to a stranger and how Alzheimer's affects our lives. I use to walk into conversations feeling uncomfortable to describe what its like to deal with the disease, as if I was a downer. I use to shy away and pretend it was a cold, something that would pass over after a few nights. When friends asked how everything was going with dad, I would politely say things are fine, and move onto another topic like the weather, the football score or the empty beer in my hand. Maybe the summer warmed me up to understand the cold facts that the winter seems to bring with its harsh reality.
I still have a hard time identifying myself as someone that has a parent that has Alzheimer's. That was even tough to write just now. I just want to be a 30-something year old that lives life like every other 30 year old. I do though, have a different kind of walk now as I enter into the Alzheimer's meetings. I walk a bit taller. I walk more informed. I walk because I love. I walk because it's my future.
I still hide behind this disease at times, it's a battle every day but I'm proud. I'm proud that my father is allowing me to help him be who he can be in this time of decline. He allows my brother and I to be his security net, to make the right decision for his health without much fight. He knows we love him. The bitterness of the cold is there. I am still angry that we have no cure of this disease, but I am doing all that I can to warm up these moments and vocalize the importance of this disease and its future to make sure it's given the appropriate attention. I speak from experience.
