It is, however, a bittersweet celebration even though I know its a happy occasion. I am sad. I am anxious for the day, for the trip, for the reality I will face. I am anxious of seeing my father. I have never had that feeling about seeing a parent in a celebratory occasion but my last visit with him was devastating. I know that when I see my father, I have to see the deterioration that is happening. I have to witness the smart cognizant man that I know who has become a lost soul who I barely recognize. Out of sight, out of mind sometimes has been my biggest coping mechanism that helps me feel normal as a 33 year old. Not this heavy mess that exists and I know I cannot ignore.
As I walk through this transition in my life, I realize, I need my friends and family, all of you. I realize that the things I sweat when life was simpler is so trivial to what is important to me today. My outlook on life within the last few months has changed drastically. This transition is so deep, that those that have either lost a family member or who are currently going through a loss can only understand. Honestly, it's been hard to connect with friends or family that don't have this connection. What use to be important as a single 33 year old female that lives in a beautiful city with a wonderful job has shifted to doing things with purpose and circling myself with those I love and creating meaning for everything, every moment I have, not the material things. I have a different perspective in how each day should be lived, how each phone conversation should end, how each disagreement should be solved and how opportunities should be captured.
I have realized that life is so short and time with people is uncertain. I understand the importance of time and its limited capacity. Without Alzheimer's I would not have understood this concept until later in life and for this I find the silver lining. I can be present with my friends, I can understand the sadness life comes with connecting and losing. With this thought, I can enjoy my brother's wedding. I can laugh, cry, celebrate and be my father's date, helping him enjoy what he may or may not remember years to come. I can be his rock and I can smile knowing this was a moment we shared. This is what I have realized is true and is non-surface love and its tough.....really, really tough.
