There are still moments where he shows up, present but it's quick and if you aren't watching you will miss it. He hugs the same, loves the same, but he is a faded mirror image of who I know. As I walked inside his home this past visit, the air inside told me what I was about to face. The house was not clean, the food was rotting and the mind was deeply confused. We went from minutes to remembering to seconds of understanding. In a blink of an eye, the Alzheimer's progressed and took over my fathers mind and well being.
In a split second, I went from a daughter to a care taker and provider to get my dad the help he needs. In that moment, I realized I have been preparing for this for years, but this was the easy part. During my years of planning, I did not realize that the hardest part would be mourning the death of my father. I under estimated how this would feel, what emotions I would be going through. Each day I wake up, I try to emerge myself in work or staying busy but it doesn't solve anything. I talk to my brother once a day hoping just his voice makes the day better and for a moment it does. There is something comforting knowing you are not going through this alone, he knows the dad I know.
The difference between a disease that kills the body versus a disease that kills the mind, is that even though you are still living, your mind and who you are is gone. You are essentially alive but dead. It's a living and breathing form of a person you once knew. It's a terrible way for an Alzheimer's patient to live and a terrible way for loved ones to watch. I started this blog a few years ago with the idea in sharing what Alzheimer's can do to a family and to raise awareness about this disease that affects millions of people across the world. There is no cure, no prevention or medicine to slow this disease down. This is our next epidemic we will face.
My next journey is finding the best care for my dad and navigating through the health system and government bureaucracy. Our goal is to get him in a home where he is safe, fed daily and cared for by those that specialize in memory care patients. This process came a bit too soon for my brother and I but we are going to get through it. We make a great team. I promised my dad a year ago that we would drive down the Pacific Coast Highway and though he may not remember the trip, I know he'll love it and I'll have memories of our journey. If there's one thing I can encourage friends and family to do is not take your loved for granted. Call, visit, share stories, connect on a level that's not over text. Life goes so fast, enjoy the times you have with those you love!
